"The fresh hell that is wedding planning..."

I like to think I'm pretty easygoing. I can usually roll with the punches, spur of the moment is fine with me, I'm up for whatever. But I am a hardcore stresser. Always have been. I don't know why. It's annoying. It's pointless. It's a waste of time. But I can stress out with the best of them. It's something I need to work on. I have recently discovered that wedding planning brings out the stress like nothing else I have ever experienced. I was reading a wedding blog the other day (yeah, I do things like THAT now) and the writer mentioned "the fresh hell that is wedding planning". Right on, dear blogger.

I'm almost positive that I've heard people say they enjoyed planning their wedding. They thought it was fun, not stressful, loved every second of picking out every detail. I know I've heard this before... And now I know those people were LYING! Wedding planning=high stress, not fun, hard... I don't love it. But what I do love is that when I'm done with all this planning, I'll get to have an awesome party with all the people I care about, get to wear the most fantastic dress I've ever put on, and most importantly... I'll get to be married to the one dude that makes me smile, love, feel more than anyone else in the world. And for that, all the stress will be worth it.

We finally have a date and a place and that has made life this week much easier than it has been in the weeks past. It took multiple breakdowns, tears, phone calls, and hours to nail something down, but we finally did. And it's amazing how much relief I feel having that done. One thing that has made me realize is that I need to breathe. It's all going to work out in the end (haven't people been telling me that all along and I forgot to listen?) and I just need to relax and take it one detail at a time. Having the date/location stress off my shoulders has given me time to focus a little more on what's really important for the wedding. And what's really important is spending it with Jeremy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have all of our family and friends there. I so look forward to spending that day with the amazing people in our lives. But more importantly, I want our wedding to be about us. I want it to be the happiest day of our lives. I want Jeremy to feel different than he ever has when I walk down the aisle, because I already know I'll have to choke back some tears.

I so look forward to spending the rest of my life with Jeremy. I came to the hard realization that he is a much better fiance to me than I am to him. Through all my crying and flipping out, he has been incredibly patient and understanding and put up with more than anyone should ever have to. But I hope that we can be equally awesome husband/wife to each other.

I can't wait. Really. And not just because when the wedding finally gets here it will mean all the planning is done. Although I'm ready for that part too. I can't wait for the marriage. The rest of our lives. Together. That's the thing I look forward to the most. And that's what will make everything worth it. Seriously, can't wait.

This guy

Want to know why I'm marrying this guy?

Taken from my journal April 20, 2008--

"There are so many things about Jeremy that I really like. He's shown me respect in a way that I didn't realize even existed. I don't think I've ever been around someone who is more respectful to me than he is. I appreciate that more than he could ever imagine. He makes me happy and he makes me laugh. He doesn't take life too seriously. He has this amazing spirituallity about him when he teaches, but balances it out by turning into Mr. Sarcastic the second he steps out of the church. I can relax with him and be myself. He really does make me want to be better and somehow makes me feel like I do the same for him. He's smart and motivated and ambitious. He takes care of me and does little things that make my day. He knows who he is and is comfortable enough with it that other people's opinions don't matter to him. He's patient with me, even when I'm spazzing out and probably driving him crazy. He's sarcastic and gives me a hard time and actually enjoys it when I give it right back. He doesn't fake anything or try to impress people. He's intellectual, determined, driven. But above all that, he RESPECTS me-- as a person, a woman, an equal, someone's daughter, someone's future mother. And I'll never be able to thank him enough for that."

Over a year and a half later, multiply all of that by 100 and that's how I feel now. I'm so lucky to have Jeremy in my life, and to be able to spend my life with him. Looove him.

And the things that make me love him now (in addition to the previous paragraph)--

He opens every door, everywhere we go, every single time. Still.

He fills up the hot water bottle whenever I don't feel well, and even remembers to put it in the car if he picks me up from work.

He lets me pick the music in the car the majority of the time, even though he doesn't like most of it.

He doesn't tell me what to do.

He lets me make my own decisions and then supports me in whatever I choose to do, even if he doesn't necessarily agree with my choices.

He's a lot more thoughtful than he lets on and he knows what I want before I do. (and usually gets it before I have the chance)

He congratulates me for being smart enough to finally wear a coat, even though he wants to tell me it's about damn time.

He makes me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

He keeps blankets and a heater close.

He knows when I need to eat before I do, and doesn't say anything when I get hunger bitchiness.

He bought dummy bullets for his gun so I could learn to handle it safely without being scared that it might kill me. He also let me tag along on a boys' shooting day so I could learn to shoot.

He's one of the smartest people I know. And only makes me feel dumb every now and then.

He lets me have my own opinions, even when he thinks they are wrong.

He has the bluest eyes you'll ever see.

He loves his parents and will do anything for them.

He has a bigger heart than anyone would ever guess.

He wears a bandana. Or a hoodie over his hat.

When we watch movie previews, we both dance in our seats to the music.

He doesn't let me win when we wrestle. But I usually win anyway because I'm so incredibly strong.

He bakes bread.

He is an incredible writer.

He makes me laugh every single day. Even when I'm trying hard not to or don't let him see that I am.

He still proposed, even after his life was threatened.

The list goes on and on. Basically, I lucked out with this kick-ass dude. I'm a lucky girl.

And the answer is....

I would love to write out the whole two year story, starting with the HV5 and ending (which is actually another beginning) at Lake Michigan on a chilly Saturday, but I really have not had time. Not even 7 minutes. So here's what I will say for now.

We met.
We laughed.
We dated.
Everyone asked when we'd get married.
And dated. And laughed.
Everyone kept asking.
And dated.
We loved each other. (Probably me first. I fall, Jeremy "grows".)
We dated some more.
We told people to mind their own business when they kept asking.
We still laughed.
We went to Seattle.
We went to Chicago.
And then...

He got down on one knee.
I got all flustered.
He asked me to marry him!
I said YES!

And now my finger is sparkly and we are engaged and I cannot wait to be with him forever!

Details later. When I have time. Which could be MUCH later.

Time flies

I haven't updated forever. I've thought about it a lot, attempted a couple of times, haven't done it. So here's the quick version of the last two months.

September (Birthday Month #26!)

-Spent Labor Day weekend at a cabin in Oakley with Jeremy's family. Slept out under the stars with the squirrels (or chipmunks?) and tested out our new cots (awesome).

-MeKelle's wedding in Park City. Congrats Kelle. And you looked B-E-A-utiful.

-California trip. Turned 26 while on a midnight run on the beach with Nick. Couldn't think of a more perfect way to get older. Spent my birthday day at the gym, boogie boarding, playing at the beach, eating lots of greasy food, shopping, went to the Asher Roth/Taking Back Sunday/Weezer/Blink 182 concert in Irvine (thanks for the birthday concert Nick!), met up with Brandon for a late dinner in Newport afterward. Drove home with Nick the next day (peace out USMC!), stopped at the Nevada border to ride the huge rollercoaster at Buffalo Bill's, and had to do a buffet stop in Mesquite. Great trip.

-Lots of birthday breakfasts, lunches, and dinners with the best friends ever.

-Jungle Fever birthday party!

-Trip to Austin to spend some time with Jennifer (who I need to see much more often) and Houston to see Brooke and Brad! Jeremy took a test for school there and I got to play with Brooke (who I still miss ever day!) and enjoy time in my birthstate. We ran the Race for the Cure and running at a lower altitude makes me feel like the best athlete ever (which is far from true).

October

-Worked. A lot.

-Mississippi! Took a last minute surprise trip to Mississippi with my mom, Chrissi and little Ali so the baby could meet all her southern cousins before Chrissi went back to work. Spent time with family I haven't seen in 12 1/2 years and loved it. Lots of driving from Memphis, across the whole state of Mississippi, and back. Great girls' trip, and Ali was a good little traveler.

-Shooting. I hate guns. Always have. Jeremy even bought some dummy bullets so I could learn to load his gun and get comfortable with it, which I refused to do. But on Halloween morning I went shooting with Jer and 3 of his friends and actually really liked it. Still don't want to be around guns in a confined space, but loved shooting them out in the middle of nowhere.

-A little college football and tailgating. Go Utes!

November

-Ali's blessing.

-Happy Birthday Daddy! Still looking hot at 61!

-Happy Anniversary to the raddest parents ever! I think it's 29 years. Still the best Barbie and Ken ever.

-Thanksgiving! Jeremy and I had a double-header and hit both family dinners. Lots of turkey and good food, lots of quality family time, lots to be thankful for.
My list of things I am thankful for is huge, so here is an edited version.

~Jeremy, who I love more than he knows, for being the best addition to my life, for taking care of me, for making me laugh every day, for giving me so much to look forward to.
~My awesome family, for being an amazing support system, putting up with me, loving me no matter what, for being my friends.
~The best friends in the world, all of them, who I am lucky to have and have loved spending time with a lot of you the last couple weeks.
~Jer's family, for making me feel like family from day one, for letting me take a lot of Jeremy's time away from you, and for everything you do for me.
~A job I love, a place to live, a car that runs (most of the time), warm showers, boots, space heaters, candy, my day planner, sunshine, hot chocolate.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Warning: Bad Day Ahead

Some days should come with warning labels. Really. Some days your alarm clock should tell you that you DON'T want to get up. Instead of the annoying beep. beep. beep. it should say "Today is not going to be nice to you. You should probably just stay in bed and go back to sleep until tomorrow." I think that would be more beneficial than waking me up to a crappy day that just gets worse until the second I go to sleep again. It wouldn't hurt to skip a day every now and then. Just a thought.

My sister could kick your sister's ass.

My sister had a baby on August 29th. Pretty awesome in itself. But my sister had a baby NATURAL. No epidural. No drugs. Just her hardcore self pushing 7 pounds 6 ounces of baby out. Oh and baby Alice Teal came out with her hand in her face. So not only did she push that baby out all by herself, she delivered her head, hand, and arm at the same time. Go Chrissi. You're my hero.

Could YOUR sister do that? I didn't think so.

More on my sweet niece later, when I have time to upload all of her b-e-a-utiful pictures.

I got a new job!

I started a new job at Primary Children's Medical Center a couple weeks ago. I wanted this job so bad that I didn't even tell anyone I applied or interviewed until after I got hired because I didn't want to jinx it. For anyone who knows me, you know I've always wanted to work with kids and working at Primary's has always been one of my goals. And for those of you who know me best, you understand why the Immunocompromised Unit is a good fit for me. This is something I've always wanted to do. I don't know how well I would handle it when I have kids of my own so I think now is the perfect time for it.

This is how most conversations about my job go:
Someone asks where I work
Me: Primary Children's Hospital
Them: Oh how fun! Do you love it? What do you do there?
Me: LOVE it. I'm a tech on the Immunocompromised Unit.
Them: What's that?
Me: I work with the cancer kids.
Them: (expression changes from a smile to disturbed) Ooohhh, doesn't that suck? Isn't that really sad? I couldn't do that.

I understand people not getting it. And I know people think it's weird that I've always wanted to be involved with Pediatric Oncology. I know it will be hard sometimes and I'm sure I'll have some bad days, but my motivation to work in that particular field has always been the amazing spirit of that type of kids. I've worked with adult patients for the past 5 years and I have heard them complain about EVERYTHING. And now I work with these awesome little kids who go through hell and can still smile about it. They're fun and cute and happy (most of the time) and I'm blown away by their attitudes.

My first experience with one of these kids was when I was 10. We had just moved into our house in Tremonton and our little 5 year old neighbor across the street had leukemia. Looking back, I don't think I realized what that meant, I just knew she was sick. But she was an amazing little girl and I loved her. I felt like she was my little sister. She was the happiest little girl. I remember hearing her talk about her "line", watching her take meds, that there would be times when she wasn't allowed to go outside, but I never realized how sick she was. My mom and I took Christmas cookies to her family on Christmas Eve and her mom told us she was sick again and it wouldn't be a good night to see her. She died a couple days later. I won't go into the details of the effect that experience had on me, I'll just say that it sparked the interest in what I'm doing now and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it. If everyone was lucky enough to spend time with someone like her or the kids I get to hang out with everyday, no one would ever question why I want to do this.

I made a list of things I want to remember when I have a hard day there, which I know will have to happen every now and then.

May I always remember:
Every patient is someone's child, sibling, friend.
Who I'm working for and why that's important.
I know the amazing spirit inside each of those kids even on the days it's hard to see.
I'm a link to the outside world when they can't be there and a smile is important.
I worked hard to get here, it's important to me, and the experiences that made me want it.
To have empathy for the kids and their families.
How overwhelmed and terrified I was the first few days, and how much scarier it must be to be on the other side.
How it feels to be the student when I'm so used to being the teacher.
This is my job and I see these things every day, but for the families this is scary territory and their world is turned upside down.
And may I never become desensitized to pain, sickness, or death.

I'm happy about this job and I love it so far. Wish me luck.