Life's not fair

How do you distinguish between the happy tears that someone has finished their treatment, that they are "cancer free", that they can finally get back to the life they should have been allowed to live for the last year, and the sad tears shed for the child who never gets to know what that feels like? The one who will never hear they are cancer free, never know what it feels like to live a normal life again, the one who knows they only have months, or days, to pack a full lifetime into? They are the tears that no one should ever have to shed. Whether the happy or the sad ones, they are both tears brought on by cancer, and it's not fair that those tears exist. No one should have to hear that diagnosis, endure that treatment, live in fear that such an ugly disease could creep up again at any time. No one should have to hear that it's over, there's nothing left to do, your body has lost the fight even if the mind and the heart aren't ready to give up. No one should have to live that way and no one should have to die that way. No parent should have to decide when enough is enough and no child should have to endure it.

How do you respond when someone tells you it's not fair? They're right, it's NOT fair. And nothing you say or do will fix it or make it better. How can you possibly help when the specialists that are trained to help can't do anything more?

How do you help someone say goodbye? You can't tell them what to say, or do, or feel. You can tell them to take it one day at a time, but would you be able to do that if you were in their shoes? How can you feel anything other than completely helpless at a time when someone needs so much help?

And for the ones that make it through the treatment, that get a second chance at life, how do you put into words how proud you are of them, how happy you are for them, how much of a difference they have made in your life, that they've marked a little piece of your heart and restored a lilttle bit of your faith?

How is it that your heart can break every time you walk through the door to work, and also ache for the time away when you don't see those kids? How can someone so small make such a big mark? How and why and the questions no one can answer...

Sunday Funday

After a stressful week at work and a busy weekend with Cody's birthday, a trip to Tremonton and a bridal shower (all things I will try to blog about soon), I can't think of a better way to wind down and regroup than this Sunday Funday.

Burger King breakfast with Jeremy and Spencer; brunch with Heidi, Jess, Bev, and Kristy at Park Cafe; a jaunt around Liberty Park; a weiner walk with Jess's puppies and a rope swing detour; a walk to the park with Cohen; and coming home to watch the Jazz playoff game.

It truly is the little things that I will miss the most when we move away. Days like today make me realize that the most. But it's comforting to know I will still have all these things to look forward to when I come home to visit. I'm so blessed to be able to spend a whole day doing things that make me happy with people that make me smile.

Thanks for the good day, to everyone that played a part in it.

Dress-check
Rings-check
Place/date-check
Flowers-check
Invitations-check (minus the ribbons because they sent the wrong size)

Kick ass fiance-triple check

39 days!!!!

S-E-A Double T L-E

For anyone that missed it on Facebook,

Jeremy matched for his residency.

That means we are headed to...

SEATTLE!

Jeremy will start his psychiatry residency at the University of Washington in June. We'll have a crazy month with his graduation from medical school, the wedding, the honeymoon, and now moving. It will be busy and exciting and probably exhausting, but we're looking forward to it.

I had two prerequisites for moving. 1-It had to be a direct flight and 2-We had to have a two bedroom place so people could come keep me company while Jeremy is working his tail off. Everyone loves Seattle, so feel free to come visit!

**And another reason I love Jeremy, he agrees to take pictures like this one. Awesome.

Time clocks

During a payroll conversation today:

Receptionist: It's a time CLOCK, Ashley, not a time MACHINE.
Me: Might as well be a time machine. Every time I touch it 12 hours of my life disappear.

I really wasn't trying to be a smart a, but she was not amused. Oops.

Work work work

I've been working too much lately. Way too much. With RSV season in full swing, Primary's has been way too full and far understaffed. The benefit to this is that I'm working a lot of overtime and extras. The downside is that with the wedding creeping up, I can't say no to the extra money those shifts bring in. So it's been a lot of work lately, and no play. Boo. And the only thing saving my sanity is that I love my job. Don't love "going to work", but couldn't ask for a better way to spend the hours I'm at my job. And here's what I miss when I work so much-

Running
Tremonton trips (especially now that Ali is there)
Lunch with friends
Actually, any time at all with friends
Chillaxin with Jeremy in the evenings
Gym time with Jess and Bev
The Blue Crew
A clean house
Making dinner
Reading
Sleep
Early morning yoga with Erika
Being outside
Breathing

Time for a vacation. Or just a week off. Counting down the days til the honeymoon. 72!

I'm happy to announce that in the past two weeks, when people asked about the wedding planning, I did not:

Roll my eyes
Sigh
Get annoyed/anxious/stressed/angry
Cry
Complain
Quickly change the subject
Unload all the hellish details of wedding planning
Leave the conversation

And that is a big step for me. I'm also happy to say that it's actually been fun to discuss all things wedding related lately. It should be even better after the consultation Wednesday. I'm getting so excited. I'm pretty sure THIS is what it's supposed to feel like, and I so enjoy finally feeling it.

Oh and Jeremy has a ring now. And Chrissi has a dress. And I have ribbons in my favorite colors. These are all good things.

And my friends are kick-ass and offered to throw bridal showers. This is the first thought that went through my head after discussing dates with Cami and Trudy- "I guess I'll have to check with my mom to make sure she'll have time to clean her house." And then I realized I don't have to do that because for the first time ever it's NOT at my house. That feels weird. And people won't let me help, which is also weird. I have mixed feelings about the whole 'go to a party, don't help with anything, let people give you stuff while everyone is watching you' idea. I'm a better host. This is new for me. We'll see how it goes. I feel weird about it. Excited, but weird.

I don't know how many days, but maybe I'll count tomorrow. Or someone can do it for me. :) It's coming up quick. Booyah!